The Most Absolutely Epic Stoner Quotes of All Time

If you’re a smoker, it’s guaranteed that you will occasionally come out with the kinds of one-liners that really do deserve a place in the history books. The only problem being that not only are you not famous enough right now for anyone to listen, but chances are you will have completely and totally forgotten everything you said by the next morning!

Which is why you might want to think about writing down your pearls of wisdom and those from your buddies – it can work wonders for your legacy going forward. And even if it doesn’t, you’ll sooner or later have the most epic archive of stoner wisdom to be used in a for your personal enjoyment or to enrich the lives of those around you!

So just in case you needed a little inspiration, we’ve scoured the web to put together what we believe is the definitive list of the greatest stoner quotes of all time from influential figures and famous faces…enjoy!

Let The Quotes Begin – Literature

“Marijuana, when mixed with hay, causes death to the horses that eat it.” – New York Times, 1934
“And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.” – Holy Bible
“Ignore that nightmare in the bathroom. Just another ugly refugee from the Love Generation, some doom-struck gimp who couldn’t handle the pressure. My attorney has never been able to accept the notion – often espoused by reformed drug abusers and especially popular among those on probation – that you can get a lot higher without drugs than with them. And neither have I, for that matter.” – Hunter S. Thompson

Cannabis Quotes – Musicians

“It (LSD) opened my eyes. We only use one-tenth of our brain. Just think of what we could accomplish if we could only tap that hidden part! It would mean a whole new world if the politicians would take LSD. There wouldn’t be any more war or poverty or famine.” – Paul McCartney
“When you smoke herb, it reveals you to yourself.” – Bob Marley
“Nobody stopped thinking about those psychedelic experiences. Once you’ve been to some of those places, you think, ”How can I get back there again but make it a little easier on myself?” – Jerry Garcia
“I don’t smoke marijuana, man. Marijuana is a girl from Cuba…Ganja…is a bird from Australia, I smoke HERB.” – Peter Tosh
“The biggest killer on the planet is stress and I still think the best medicine is and always has been cannabis.” – Willie Nelson

Quotes from Writers

“If the words ‘life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness’ don’t include the right to experiment with your own consciousness, then the Declaration of Independence isn’t worth the hemp it was written on.” – Terence McKenna
“I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.” – Edgar Allan Poe
“If we could sniff or swallow something that would, for five or six hours each day, abolish our solitude as individuals, atone us with our fellows in a glowing exaltation of affection and make life in all its aspects seem not only worth living, but divinely beautiful and significant, and if this heavenly, world-transfiguring drug were of such a kind that we could wake up next morning with a clear head and an undamaged constitution — then, it seems to me, all our problems (and not merely the one small problem of discovering a novel pleasure) would be wholly solved and earth would become paradise.” – Aldous Huxley
“The illegality of cannabis is outrageous, an impediment to full utilization of a drug which helps produce the serenity and insight, sensitivity and fellowship, so desperately needed in this increasingly mad and dangerous world.” – Carl Sagan
“Avoid all needle drugs – the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.” — Abbie Hoffman
“The face of “evil” is always the face of total need. A dope fiend is a man in total need of dope. Beyond a certain frequency need knows absolutely no limit or control. In the words of total need: “Wouldn’t you?” Yes you would. You would lie, cheat, inform on your friends, steal, do anything to satisfy total need. Because you would be in a state of total sickness, total possession, and not in a position to act in any other way. Dope fiends are sick people who cannot act other than they do. A rabid dog cannot choose but bite.” – William S. Burroughs

Quotes from Comedians

“People say you can abuse marijuana. Well shit, you can abuse cheeseburgers too, you know? You don‘t go around closing Burger King because you can abuse something.” – Joe Rogan
“Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.” – Robin Williams
“New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it’s three days later, I’m in the desert, I’m banging on a drum, I’m naked, and somebody’s pierced my dick.” – Bill Maher
“I used to smoke marijuana. But I’ll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening – or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, mid-evening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late mid-afternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early-morning…But never at dusk.” – Steve Martin
“Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter.” – George Carlin
“Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?” – Bill Hicks
“If God dropped acid, would he see people?” – Steven Wright

Actors and Homer

“All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.” – Homer Simpson
“The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi.” – Denis Leary
“Of course drugs were fun. And that’s what’s so stupid about anti-drug campaigns: they don’t admit that. I can’t say I feel particularly scarred or lessened by my experimentation with drugs. They’ve gotten a very bad name.” – Angelica Houston